I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize
