the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Randomize
