You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
