Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
You’d probably be happy to know that I think I’ve mastered the skill of knowing “my type” and then steering clear
FINALLY. I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME!
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
