the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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