I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
