He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
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