She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Randomize
