I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
We just saw a waitress walk by with a tray of bacardi and whipped cream.
Whoever ordered that deserves a pat on the back and the "classiest customer" award
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
