I molested 6 butterflies tonight
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Randomize
