i dont have any money that hasnt already been designated for cigarettes and birth control
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
Randomize
