we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
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