After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
A conundrum I think only you would understand: how to classily post "I need a ride to the liquor store" on one's Facebook wall?
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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