If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
He grabbed onto my boobs while slipping on ice then proceeded to drag me down with him I'm not predicting head in his future
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
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