just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
so id say it was a successful trip...i only got hit on by one cousin...
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
