Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
I don't get it.
Me neither.
But I masturbated to it anyway.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Randomize