Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
He came over and watched the USA game with me, fucked me so good my toe cramped, then made my bed this morning before he left. Thank God for Army rangers
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
