I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
