I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
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