At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
apparently you CAN get banned from Nascar.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
Dude, just be careful. Her invitation for BJ is just a trap for her to stick her finger up your ass.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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