you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
sexting while watching Peter Pan the Musical! something just doesn't seem right here
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Randomize
