He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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