I am puke
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
