I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
She had pubes that could make an episode of Duck Dynasty. Fear the Vag Beard
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Randomize
