I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
I knew it was love when he told me he wants to see me have multiple orgasms in one night
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
