Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
