I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
