Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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