I got chris browned last night
I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
Randomize
