Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
Randomize
