you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
I just claimed my unemployment in Vegas. This seems wrong.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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