i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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