Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
