i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
