quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
