I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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