my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
