Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I got my period during my acid trip. It was weird.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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