He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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