I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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