Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
Randomize
