chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
Most desperate stoner moment; dropped our hard earned resin ball in the sand, rinsed it off and then did knife hits in the kitchen cuz we broke our only pipe
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
