I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
your idea of a balenced meal is a microwave frozen burrito, a cup of ramen noodles, and a can of budlight. honestly tell me how your resolution is to lose weight,
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
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