i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
