my shit smells like andre
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
Randomize
