So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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