I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Also, if asking a guy to come over and watch curling with you doesn't scream let's fuck then idk what does
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
Randomize
