I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Well that's not true. She had two social skills. She kept them in her bra
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
does having sex with an episode of House playing in the background count as studying for my MCAT?
Randomize
