There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
Randomize