I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
The more my room-mate speaks, the more I notice that she was home schooled.
Girl farted next to me in class and then denied my high five
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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