rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
Is it really that bad? I heard it was like pooping. I like pooping.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
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