I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
