Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
What vodka is american?
Skyy. I already looked it up for 4th of july.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Randomize
