My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
