Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
Randomize
