Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
i just sent this text using only my big toe
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
