So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
now i know why i became what i already was.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
