Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
i wasnt sure i had a crush on her until i woke up this morning and saw i had googled fifteen variations of "lesbian marriage in estonia". where the fuck is estonia
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
