when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Can we skype so I'm not drinking alone?
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