We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
Randomize
