So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
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