some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
whose ass print is on the piano?
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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