when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
